Wiser than wise

The Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Whip It!

I'm starting to love this new TV commercial. When I first saw the ad, I thought it was something serious. The color tone, mood and expression of the main character made it more believable only to find out in the end that it was just Nestle's All Purpose Cream.

The scene goes like this:
A woman is shown visiting a loved one at the North Cemetery. Perhaps it was the death anniversary of the loved one for the woman's brought with her a bunch of flowers and a Tupperware filled with fruit salad. This must be her loved one's favorite when he was still alive -- atang sa patay as they'd term it. She recites her prayers by herself then leaves.

She seemed to have passed by the market/grocery on her way home as seen by the plastic bag she's carrying. She took the jeepney then alights near her house.

As an apalling tune is being played while on her way inside the house, an unexplainable gush of wind lashes the curtains in her dining room. She went to check and was so shocked to see the Tupperware filled with fruit salad there on the center of the dining table. A spooky tune then the tag line: "Dapat Nestle cream ang ginamit mo." =)

I just wish you'd see it..it will tickle your funny bone really. I was surfing Youtube kaso wala dun yung commercial sayang! ishe-share ko sana..

60 Years of Marriage *phew!*

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods;

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death because I don't know how to crochet.

Parents

*a forwarded mail w/c I believe is essential; I'm attention-deficit, therefore, I too am guilty but under renovation now ;p

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window. The Father asked his Son, "What is this?" The Son replied "It is a crow".

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is this?"

The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow".

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time,“What is this?"

At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. "It's a crow, a crow".

A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is this?"

This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?"

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, thefollowing words were written in the diary. Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times thatit was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated Irather felt affection for my innocent child".

While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and whentoday the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son feltirritated and annoyed.

So..

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as aburden, but speak to them gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kindto them. Be considerate to your parents. From today say this aloud, "I wantto see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was alittle child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.

They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today".

What's up, Duck?

And in return:

A surgeon, pathologist, physician, psychiatrist and radiologist go duckhunting out on a pond.

As the first duck flies over head, the psychiatrist takes aim, ....but doesn't fire.

"What the hell happened?" demands the surgeon (they're known for their retiring manner)

"Well, says the psychiatrist, I know its a duck, and YOU know its a duck- but does the duck know its a duck?"

The second bird flies over head, and the physician takes aim.....but doesn't fire.

"What now???" roars the surgeon.

Well, says the physician, in a recent article I read in the New England Journal of Medicine, 12% of ducks are actually Terns, and they're a protected species....

The third duck flies over, and the radiologist takes aim......then paddles the boat further into the pond, then takes aim, then paddlesback a bit, then takes a further aim....and by this time the duck has gone.

"Jesus wept!" explodes the surgeon, what the f*** were you doing?

Well, says the radiologist - every time I took aim, I realised that I needed another view.

After lunch, they re-group for more hunting.

This time the surgeon gets out his double barrelled, gold plated bazooka, blows his duck whistle - and as a flock of birds swarm overhead, he fires randomly and enthusiastically into the air. Objects rainout of the sky. When he had finally finished blasting away to the heavens - he turned to the pathologist and said: "row over to all those bodies, and tell me if any of them was a duck".

Resbak

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!"

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!"

"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!"

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you'recooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?"

"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you alwaysforget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know howto fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like whenI'm driving."

A Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.


Thought for the Day: If only men would listen!

Ayon kay Erap..

...may updated version ang Alphabet Song. It goes:

"A...B...ZTE...F...G....."

source: PDI

Bliss fool

Teach a man how to fish and he can live for the rest of his life
Let no man intervene..
Disturbance is a sin.

Let him walk w/o a cane
Less the words or feel the shame..
Deprivation becomes the flame.

Agitation is nonsense
He hungers for contentment..
Dump him in solitary confinement.

..bliss..bliss..

Coffee Anyone?

..a forwarded email I would like to share:

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.

"God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... Enjoy your coffee!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Plus & Minus

Yey! Prayers answered.

It's raining and the dams are currently being quenched. I just hope the showers extend throughout. 'Though I really don't like rain especially UP here with the damp & moldy feeling; it's a relief to experience it now. The papers say it will linger for a few days. Thanks to monsoon. Hopefully so.

I guess we don't get all that we want. We may be experiencing the rain we've longed for; however, in exchange for electricity.

Brownout strikes back! Well, it's ok, 'coz I've missed it for a while.

Nasa Pinas na nga ako...haay.

Happy Ever After

Another day of "tale rolling". I have skipped this habit for quite sometime & only today had I the chance to browse through the list of stories again. Of course, from my fave Brothers Grimm.

Incidentally, my cousin just tied the knot 2 days ago & the tale seems appropriate although a little late ;p Congratulations, TinTin!!!

Byzantine Bouquet by Marc Simmons

Phew! The 5th among us who got married this year. I founded the legion & soon the followers came pouring in *hehe*

So here it is:

BRIDES ON THEIR TRIAL

There was once a young shepherd who wished much to marry, and was acquainted with three sisters who were all equally pretty, so that it was difficult to him to make a choice, and he could not decide to give the preference to any one of them. Then he asked his mother for advice, and she said, “Invite all three, and set some cheese before them, and watch how they eat it.”

The youth did so; the first, however, swallowed the cheese with the rind on; the second hastily cut the rind off the cheese, but she cut it so quickly that she left much good cheese with it, and threw that away also; the third peeled the rind off carefully, and cut neither too much nor too little.

The shepherd told all this to his mother, who said, “Take the third for thy wife.” This he did, and lived contentedly and happily with her.

• my other personally picked tales

Aside from these tales, I'm starting to like the Aesop's Fables now. So what's next? The Nursery Rhymes??

..hmm, mukhang tumatanda nako nang paurong =)

The Pencil Story

Here's a forwarded email sent by a friend worth sharing. Thanks Marline!

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. "There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

1. You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand."
2. You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil."
3. You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make."
4. The most important part of you will always be what's inside."
5. On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

"The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replacing the place of the pencil with you. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

1. You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in God's hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.
2. You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but you'll need it to become a stronger person.
3. You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.
4. The most important part of you will always be what's on the inside.
5. On every surface you walk through, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to do your duties.

Allow this parable of the pencil to encourage you to know that you are a special person and only you can fulfill the purpose to which you were born to accomplish.

Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot make a change.

Plain Pencil by Vince Giuliano